Ten blockbuster moves for the perfect end to the window

It’s February but not quite the end of the January transfer window, which feels like an unnecessary complication explained by the need to ‘ensure harmonisation with the major leagues in Europe’, which definitely isn’t actually an explanation as that harmony could just as easily have been achieved on January 31.

Anyway, we’re nearly there and jonesing for some big deals before the window slams shut. Manchester City have done most of the heavy lifting in the Premier League thus far, but we’ve come up with 10 blockbuster moves that could yet happen.

Marcus Rashford: Manchester United to Barcelona

We were torn between wanting Rashford to stay at Old Trafford and counting how many times Ruben Amorim needs to be asked about his absence from the squad before smashing up the press room, and him going to Barcelona, scoring the winner in the Champions League final, and proving beyond doubt that the problem wasn’t him but Manchester United. Okay, not that torn, the latter would be delicious.

Barcelona need to get one or both of Ansu Fati or Pablo Torre out to ‘free up salary margin’ to sign Rashford on loan and supposedly want an option to sign him permanently, though how they will be able to that when they still battle La Liga over the registrations of Dani Olmo and Pau Victor isn’t entirely clear. There will be a lever or two to pull somewhere.

Mathys Tel: Bayern Munich to Tottenham

Everyone wants Tel and he apparently wants Manchester United, which makes no sense at all until you consider the other most serious contender is Tottenham, who are said to have agreed a deal with Bayern for his permanent transfer, with contract talks presumably hitting a snag over his representatives insisting on a relegation clause.

Though very much in keeping with the F*** It approach to football engendered by their plank-walking manager, we would question the logic of the Premier League’s third-highest goalscorers spending £50m on a forward when they’ve suffered through a good chunk of the season with half a centre-back and a gaping and hugely welcoming hole in midfield for opposition teams to walk through.

That said we would much rather a talented teenage forward moved to Tottenham, where he will at least have the chance to spread his wings and show what he can do, than United, where some form of existential crisis has awaited all who have arrived there in the last decade.

Ollie Watkins: Aston Villa to Arsenal

He wouldn’t be our first choice, for reasons evident in Aston Villa’s dramatic win over Celtic in the Champions League despite a goal and an assist, and through much of a season in which he’s underperformed his xG by two goals: he’s not a finisher.

Maybe that’s not the most important thing to Mikel Arteta, who clearly doesn’t want an Erling Haaland-style striker who does little aside from the final action, but we’re not convinced that Watkins improves the team sufficiently to make him worthy of a £60m transfer.

But we are very intrigued by the prospect both of the Arsenal fan meltdown over them waiting years for A Proper Striker and spending that amount of money on one not fit for purpose, and how Unai Emery would cope without a No.9 for the rest of the season.

Joao Felix: Chelsea to Aston Villa

Monchi is really looking to put his manager’s coaching skills to the test as the sporting director says Aston Villa are looking at Joao Felix and Marco Ascensio as last-gasp options to strengthen the squad this month.

They don’t need both of them, particularly as it’s not entirely clear where either of them will fit in the team assuming Watkins remains to play in tandem with Morgan Rogers up top, and Monchi admitted Felix or Ascensio’s success at Villa Park will rely on Unai Emery’s ability to “recover talents”.

Not half, with the duo among the world’s most unconvincing footballers, who have either failed to reach their potential or were overrated early doors to the point where that potential was never going to be realised.

Monchi and the Villa fans will quite reasonably believe that if anyone can nurture and develop them into top Premier League performers then Emery’s the guy, but we are struggling to imagine any coach overcoming the problem of them being incredibly lightweight forwards.

Alejandro Garnacho: Manchester United to Chelsea

Incredibly, Chelsea could do with a new forward. No one could have conceived of that when Jadon Sancho arrived on deadline day to join Felix, Cole Palmer, Pedro Neto, Mykhaylo Mudryk, Christopher Nkunku, Noni Madueke and PSR-backhander-nonsense-arrival Omari Kellyman to make a group of eight players vying for the three spots behind the central striker.

Enzo Maresca explained how and where those players would be utilised in a press conference and it made reasonable sense: two players for each position with Kellyman clearly never going to play for Chelsea and Nkunku actually the back-up for Nicolas Jackson. But now, with Mudryk facing a doping ban and both Felix and Nkunku looking to leave the club over a lack of game time, Maresca could suddenly be short of options.

Garnacho is available as the untouchables became, well, touchable at United, and although Ruben Amorim has changed tack after dropping him for the Manchester derby to something approaching brown-nosing the Argentinian amid reports of Chelsea interest so as not to lose him this month, it’s claimed the Blues are readying another ‘attack’ to lure the 20-year-old away.

Christopher Nkunku: Chelsea to Manchester United

Nkunku isn’t content with his 13 Chelsea starts this season. Those games against Manchester City, Southampton, Ipswich, Morecambe, Barrow, Newcastle, Gent, Panathinaikos, Noah, Heidenheim, Shamrock Rovers and the double-header against Servette have for some reason not scratched his football itch and he wants out of Stamford Bridge.

Bayern Munich are keen but they won’t move for the Frenchman unless Tel leaves and Ruben Amorim is said to be a big fan but Manchester United have no funds for the permanent deal Nkunku craves, with a move from Stamford Bridge to Old Trafford presumably resting on Garnacho going the other way.

Ederson: Atalanta to Manchester City

Manchester City spending £130m in January and not buying a central midfielder is superb commitment to the Look How F***ed We Are Without Rodri bit. Not content with the Ballon d’Or winner’s injury bringing about their worst run of form for close to two decades, Pep Guardiola and his transfer team are now apparently committed to testing their powers of recovery while Ilkay Gundogan and Mateo Kovacic continue in their ill-equipped attempts to patrol the City midfield.

They’ve only loosely been linked with Ederson, with rumours of interest mainly prompted by gossipmongers’ incredulity that City aren’t looking at someone like the Atalanta midfielder, who is thought to be available for around £45m.

Evan Ferguson: Brighton to Chelsea

We remain dead-set against the idea of Chelsea signing a big name striker with no number of missed chances or goalless games enough to convince us Nicolas Jackson won’t at some stage be the consistent answer to their profligacy problem. He was brilliant at the start of the season.

But Maresca could definitely do with another option, and with Brighton now said to want £40m for a striker linked with £100m transfers a year or so ago, a reported move for Ferguson by a club obsessed with signing young talent to mould ahead of West Ham, Bournemouth and other suitors feels like a smart one.

Jordan Henderson: Ajax to Monaco

He’s not even pretending to be the good guy anymore. Having spat in the face of the LGBTQ+ community through his soul-selling move to Saudi Arabia, he then decided the Middle East wasn’t for him and burned his bridges there to force a move to Ajax, and now – out of nowhere – he’s tried to screw them over at the end of the transfer window by entering talks with Monaco.

Henderson was stripped of the captaincy for Ajax’s Europa League win over Galatasaray on Thursday when the club caught wind of his attempts to abandon them, and although he has now reportedly ‘guiltily’ agreed to stay, we would send him packing.

Jonathan David: Lille to Newcastle

It’s going to be a tough sell with Alexander Isak the very clear first choice at Newcastle as quite possibly the best No.9 in Europe right now, but Callum Wilson is eternally crocked and will surely leave in the summer at the end of his contract anyway, so Eddie Howe could really do with another striker.

David may well also be good enough to be the main man should – God forbid – a European giant offer a ludicrous sum for Isak in six months’ time, and the Canadian will be available for a cut-price fee given he too has just half a season left on his deal.

Reports suggest Lille have turned down £10m for him from an unnamed club – presumably keen on retaining their striker having soared through to the last 16 of the Champions League – but a meagre increase on that offer may well prove to be enough and shouldn’t be beyond the means of the Magpies, even given their PSR-restricted coffers.

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