The Monday Knee Jerk Reaction: Round One

Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Thursday

Carlton (75) v Richmond (71)

Well, I’m back for the thirteenth year of the Knee Jerk Reaction, and if you’re wondering where last week’s was, there wasn’t one.

That’s because I don’t observe Opening Round.

The great thing about being back is listening to calls to sack Carlton’s coach before most teams had even played.

Nature is healing.

Did you know the CIA study the Blues on how to psychologically torture large groups of people?

Last week, the Blues destroyed any hope their fans had built up in the offseason, in one quarter. This week, they made a win feel like a loss.

Tigers fans were more concerned about Tom Lynch, who was like a kid who mainlined red cordial.

What was he going to do next? Miss a set shot? Or give away a free kick?

Friday

Essendon (83) v Hawthorn (145)

Bombers fans were furious when Zach Merrett wanted a trade to Hawthorn.

I didn’t understand why. Wanting to get out of Essendon seems like the only sensible decision a person can make.

I can only assume the fans were angry because they wouldn’t have been able to go with him.

Don’t leave us here!

The Hawks were ruthless in this one, feasting on Essendon’s mistakes and there was a Sizzler buffet worth of them.

The result was the most predictable performance of the round; a continuing Essendon rebuild that makes Victoria’s Big Build look professionally run.

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Saturday

Western Bulldogs (134) v Greater Western Sydney (53)

Kane Corne’s favourite team looked scary on the weekend.

They were so good against the Giants that they made Adam Kingsley look angry, even for Adam Kingsley, which is saying something.

The Giants were like me in my year nine German exam; they had no answers.

The only phrase I’d learnt was ‘Deutsche Heute’, which was the name of the textbook. Weirdly, that wasn’t an answer to any of the questions.

The Giants seemed unaware that Marcus Bontempelli is an astoundingly good player, giving him the leeway usually reserved for a struggling journeyman.

How good are the Dogs? It’s round one, and they have two wins. They’re doing things that are mathematically impossible.

Geelong (110) v Fremantle (100)

Geelong looked in all sorts early on, with Fremantle looking like the flag favourites, some people are saying they are.

But every Dockers fan knows their club only exists to let them down, which is what my dad says about me.

Chris Scott yelled at his players at quarter time in a manner that in any other industry would see you front HR before collecting your things.

But the yelling worked.

Bailey Smith started running amok, and Shannon Neale booted five goals.

It was a win that would have delighted the Cats’ many, many sponsors.

Sydney (104) v Brisbane (60)

After winning two premierships in a row, the AFL showered Brisbane with first round draft picks.

This performance should therefore get them priority picks for the next three years.

Of course, only a fool would write the Lions off this early, so expect lots of people to do that.

But Chris Fagan seems to focus on the back end of the season. What a weirdo.

The Swans looked amazing, but injuries to Errol Gulden and Isaac Heeney took the gloss off.

Heeney was described as having ‘hamstring tightness’, which is worse than ‘hamstring awareness’ but better than ‘done a hammy’.

Collingwood (79) v Adelaide (93)

Oh dear! The Pies forgot to organise a forward line for this season.

It’s a fair oversight.

This not being a final, the Crows were in good form. They were in control for much larger stretches than the Pies.

The frustration for Collingwood showed when serial offender Scott Pendlebury tried to murder Josh Worrell.

Luckily, Worrell is alive, but how many times can Pendlebury get away with this?

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Sunday

North Melbourne (113) v Port Adelaide (67)

For a side not used to winning, belting a side by 46 points was an out-of-body experience for North fans.

And even if it was just against Port, this was still good!

Many Kangaroos didn’t know you were legally allowed to kick over 100 points.

North can’t afford a lid, but if they did, they’d be taking it off.

As for Port fans, what the hell was that?

‘Hire Ken Hinkley’ graffiti has already started springing up all around Adelaide.

Melbourne (120) v St Kilda (107)

Last week, the Saints tried to get a chant going with a drum.

I believe it went like this ‘Knock knock? Who’s there? Owen. Owen who? Owen-Two.’

There’s nothing worse than buyer’s remorse.

After spending the GDP of a large European country in the off-season, they got a result they used to achieve for a third of the cost.

Max Gawn seemed to take it personally that Tom De Koning was on more money than him.

Gawn was angrier than a man who’s just discovered a wedding reception is booze free. And vegan.

De Koning looked like he was the older player, struggling to go with Max as the game went on.

For Demons fans, watching their team for the first time this year, despite the season starting several months ago, it was worth the wait.

Gold Coast (131) v West Coast (72)

Hello to the three people reading about this game!

In front of 13,309 people, the 2026 Premiers didn’t muck around against the best side in the WAFL.

Christian Petracca was on fire early, with three goals in the first term, two more the Eagles managed.

From there, the Suns weren’t really challenged, although it must be said, the Eagles at least tried in the second half.

There were even moments of competent football, rarely sighted in Eagles jumpers in the last few years.

Could we see the Eagles in the top ten this season? Well, not the top ten in the AFL, but maybe some other top ten list.

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