England line-up news is 'seismic' as 'wow' factor activated

We’re ignoring the ‘mind-altering shoes’ because life is too short and we have already got a gnawing sense of unease that the cat might have licked the breakfast sandwich. So we land instead on the big England news.

‘Bellingham, Kane and Foden can’t play together – Tuchel’ screams the Daily Telegraph while The Times back page reads ‘Tuchel: Three stars cannot play together’.

Mediawatch is genuinely baffled at this being the ‘line’ that came out of the pre-match (yes, there is a match) interview. It is such an obvious statement that we’re not entirely sure how it counts as news. Do you know who else can’t play together? Jordan Pickford and Dean Henderson.

We are of course being facetious; Foden, Bellingham and Kane have actually played together in an England shirt. But the last time was March against Albania – in Thomas Tuchel’s very first game – when Foden played on the wing and was ‘awful’.

Since then Foden has rediscovered some excellent club form (while playing largely in central areas) while Tuchel said last week: “I think Phil [Foden] where he plays now lately for Man City was where I see him the strongest. I think he’s close to the opponent’s box, like a mix between a nine and a ten.

“For me, Phil scores and assists more from the 18-yard-box, where he scored against Dortmund; he’s on the half turn, he assists, he’s in the pockets. I think the main thing with Phil is that he gets a role in the central part of the pitch.”

So you would think that logic dictates that the player who is ‘a mix between a nine and a ten’ could not play with a nine AND a ten. But no, colour us shocked that Tuchel has claimed that all three cannot play on the pitch together.

‘Foden, Bellingham and Kane cannot all start in England’s system, Tuchel insists’ is The Guardian headline. Did he have to ‘insist’? Did somebody really, really try and change his mind and he stood firm?

‘Phil Foden and Jude Bellingham face England snub as World Cup plan becomes clearer’ say the Express. Which is one hell of a way to say that not all of the England footballers can play in every England team.

‘Thomas Tuchel has issued a stark warning to his star players – they cannot all feature in the same starting XI,’ apparently. And it will obviously come as a massive shock to those ‘star players’ entirely new to the concept of football.

‘Phil Foden warned England camp is his World Cup trial as Thomas Tuchel refuses to pick him, Kane and Bellingham together’ says the headline in The Sun. It’s an England camp seven months before a World Cup; we’re not sure Foden needed a ‘warning’.

‘THOMAS TUCHEL will not pick Harry Kane, Jude Bellingham and Phil Foden in the same England XI,’ writes Dave Kidd. They haven’t even been in the same England squad since March, fella.

It’s amazing how quickly we have moved from ‘Tuchel could go to the World Cup without Bellingham’ to ‘Tuchel could start the World Cup without Bellingham, Foden and Kane in an England XI that really does not work’.

‘Thomas Tuchel says he knows EIGHT of his England starting XI for the World Cup… this is what it means for Jude Bellingham, Phil Foden and the battle for No 10, writes IAN LADYMAN’ writes Ian Ladyman in the Daily Mail.

The EIGHT is funny because Tuchel was actually very specifically asked by the Mail themselves if he knew eight of his starting line-up and he replied: “If it started tomorrow that is about right.”

So did Tuchel come out and say he knew EIGHT of his England starting XI or did he agree that he knew ‘about’ eight, which sounds about right for the November before a summer World Cup?

And the funny thing is that Ladyman confidently writes ‘in terms of the spine of that team for America, it currently goes: Jordan Pickford, Reece James, Marc Guehi, Ezri Konsa, Declan Rice, Elliot Anderson, Bukayo Saka, Harry Kane. Questions remain over left-back, number ten and left-side midfield’ because he has blatantly forgotten about John Stones, who is probably Tuchel’s favourite centre-half.

It’s doubly funny because the Mail sidebar of England’s possible XI – presumably not written by Ladyman – includes Stones. Because of course it does.

‘England know seven of their World Cup 2026 starters. What about the rest?’ say The Athletic, because they have been paying attention and did not think ‘about that’ meant EIGHT. They also did not entirely forget John Stones.

But the real bombast is saved for Rob Dorsett of Sky Sports, who writes, presumably with a straight face as he seems a very serious man: ‘This feels like a seismic moment in England’s planning for next summer’s World Cup.’

Does it? Does it feel like a ‘seismic moment’ to anybody other than Rob Dorsett? We’re all trying to scratch around for meaning in this international break, but come the f*** on.

Up until now, Thomas Tuchel has kept his cards close to his chest, saying no individual player has yet been ruled in or ruled out of his plans.

In fact, even as recently as his squad announcement on Friday, he said he knows there will be some players who make late bursts of form in the second half of the season who will demand his attention, that variations in form and fitness will all have a big impact on the choices he makes.

And then he now tells us directly that he can’t take to the World Cup all of the No 10s that have featured with England in his eight matches in charge. He names them, too – Jude Bellingham, Phil Foden, Cole Palmer, Morgan Rogers, Morgan Gibbs-White (he forgot to name Ebere Eze – which may be significant in its own right).

So what’s changed, exactly? He’s still not named an individual player who has been ‘ruled in or out’; he just says that he cannot take all the players who play in the same position. Isn’t that just logic? How is that ‘seismic’?

Tuchel also says now he isn’t afraid of making the “tough calls” and leaving big names with big reputations out of his starting XI, and indeed out of the wider squad.

Now? He has just recalled Bellingham and Foden after they were left out of his October squad. Are we in the middle of a fever dream?

To top it off, he goes on to say in a radio interview that Harry Kane, Bellingham and Foden cannot and will not play together in the same England team while he is in charge. Not unless he decides to change his formation – an option which he says, right now, is off the table.

Wow. Three revelations in one. All closely related, but each of them very detailed. With names.

Wow?! This is definitely a fever dream. The cat must have licked the sandwich.

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